It’s difficult to go through a divorce under any circumstances, but it can be especially difficult if your spouse is prone to gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional or psychological manipulation where one person tries to make another question their own reality, memories or perceptions. It’s often used by abusive partners to maintain control in a relationship – and it tends to ramp up even harder when their control starts to fade. By asking for a divorce, you may trigger a gaslighting spouse into overdrive.
So, how do you cope and keep your own grip on your mental and emotional well-being? Here are some tips:
Recognize the signs of gaslighting
You have to know how to spot gaslighting to respond to it appropriately. Common tactics include:
- Denial of facts: Your spouse may deny things that you know happened or insist that you did things you know you did not
- Minimization: If your spouse does acknowledge something happened, they may tell you that you’re too sensitive or merely overreacting
- Blame-shifting: You spouse will try to flip a situation around and claim that you are the one who is at fault for every situation
Gaslighting is designed to make you doubt yourself, so you have to stay grounded in your own reality. If necessary, write things down after they happen so that you have a reference you can go back to and read if you start to feel unsure.
Respond calmly and clearly
Responding with a ton of anger and emotion can actually make you more vulnerable to your spouse’s manipulations. They may even use your reaction to prove that you’re irrational or unstable. Instead, try to stay calm and respond with statements like,
- “I understand what you are saying, but I do not agree with you.”
- “I do not have the same recollection of events that you have.”
- “My feelings are not up for debate. They’re my feelings.”
- “I have said no several times. I will no longer engage in this conversation.”
Finally, it can help to seek legal guidance as quickly as possible when you’re in this situation. A dispassionate voice can help you retain your peace despite the divorce.
